Stillness

I finally got myself up from in front of the television after a shorter day of work. The Holidays tend to be a constant reminder of what seems to be lacking in my life and all I want is for it to just pass me by. All afternoon an echoing feeling of inner thirst gnawed at my soul. Sometimes I find myself ignoring Him, and lately it's been more often. It's almost as if I don't want to hear what He has to say, but on this night I try to quiet myself to listen...
Nothing.
The weight of my present issues lean onto my metaphorical shoulders, bogging my mind down with more to think on. God where are you?
Nothing.
No thing I care to ask or vent on seems appropriate to let slip from my mind. So I wait. I tear away my thoughts and just sit.

Nothing changed, no loud voice from the heavens, no huge revelation. Only stillness. All I really need is to find Him ... in everything. Stillness does not come from the atmosphere that we are in, it comes from choosing to live in the peace of God. Stillness is a choice of heart, that's how we can still see God in the middle of death, pain, and in sorrow. We let the chaos if this world scream so loud.
When God meets us in stillness.

Solomon

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Each heart knows it's own bitterness, and no one else can share it's joy.
Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.
As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another.
As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
 Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own ....

The Day Dawn Broke Over the Horizon

The world has been so dark for some time now. I wish that my eyes would adjust to the thick molasses of lacking light, but the only thing that lets me see is this small tube of radiance I have carried with me in these past years. My tiny flashlight I keep focused on the path in front of me, in case of any obstacles that might suddenly present itself. I feel as though I have missed what I was looking for. I might have wandered away from those small distant cries instead of toward them.
I stop and scan the surrounding area as far as my light will reach. Nothing. I stand very still hoping that my ears will pick up the faintest of noises. Still nothing. What was I looking for? What did I hear that caught my attention? Why am I out here, alone, in a very unfamiliar place?
Overwhelmed with thoughts and confusion I take a knee. Holding my light with one hand and placing the other into the cold dusty earth, I take a breath and close my eyes.
Help me remember...
And like a flood of emotion, flashes of the multitudes overrun my thoughts. Face after face race into my mind and each one is bearing the weight of their present hurts. The knowledge and experience of their individual pains hit me like a ton of cement, that continues to become thicker and heavier with each passing second. Tears stream down my cheeks and breathing increases to be difficult. A cry like I have never felt wells up inside of me, trying to hold it in is almost impossible.
And like a weight that suddenly lifts, a loud billowing sob is heard. Recognizing that the sound was so close to me, I immediately thrust my hand in the direction of the oppression. I swing my small light around and my eyes meet the multitudes. Just one face. One suffering heart. One person hurting and lost in the dark."Let me show you The Way", I say.
And with that, I remember.
That was the day dawn finally broke over the horizon.

Look and See that the Lord is Good.

Look.

Every drastic change in your life makes you see what you failed to recognize before. 

I feel as though I have been on a chase... a chase for acceptance, or maybe a chase for self identity. Growing up in the chaotic world I grew up in, my identity was not my own. It was whatever I was told I was, or was to do.

 I feel as though too many times I find myself begging God to give me direction, but what I was really saying was, tell me who I am so I can be that.

Yes I was created, but I am defined by me.

God sees us for what He created us to be but who I become is determined by my choice.

What do you want....

I don't want to be defined as an old characteristic

I don't want to settle for anything less than what my heart desires

I want to be used for something greater than myself

I want to know Your heart

I want to love like You love me

I was created for good things, what defines me is the passion and desire for those good things.

In the beginning God created us and said that it was good. We walked with Him then, in the Garden. I want that. Closeness. I don't even want to ask God for a direction anymore. I just ask if I can walk with Him.

And I see that the Lord is Good.

Remind Me

Each day goes by, some fly away while others linger on. Every day I am reminded of something different, and everyday I want to make a difference in life. I don't ever want to be so comfortable in one place that I don't move to help another. I don't want to be so angry or scared that I don't ignore my emotion to help someone in need. I want to move.
There is too little time to ignore what goes on around us. There is too much pain in this world to not stop and lend a helping hand. My prayer for my life is that God will give me a specific direction in ministry. But  everyday the opportunity to hold out your hand is there. I hope to God that I see that I'm the difference in life. Mine or another's.

Just Show Up

Every Christ follower remembers their first real meeting with God. I remember my first "God moment" as a teenager. It was an experience that I couldn't even fully grasp at that young of an age. I was 14 years old and what I had experienced of God was intense, so intense that every meeting I had with God for a long while after that was based off of that first encounter.
My paster the other day said a simple phrase that drew it out so simply like pencil on paper. He said "I used to walk away from my devotions thinking that I didn't do it right because I didn't get a certain feeling or I didn't pray like I should have. But later in your walk you realize that its not about what you do right or wrong, it's just that your there with Him".
I will be honest to say that it wasn't until after I graduated BMMC that I realized this concept and how powerful just "being" with someone is. I remember that even in times when I got together with friends that what we did together had to be epic or it was pointless. And in a lot of ways my relationship with Christ was the same way. We base the intensity of our lives off of emotional experiences and we forget to just experience. We have forgotten how to simply be with each other, and in that we don't know how to just be with God. He doesn't want anything from us but us... yet we continue to demand more and more of Him.
After that first encounter with God I quickly fell back into my old holes because I thought I wasn't engaging like I should have. When really all I had to do was show up.

Devotion of Your Youth

I remember the devotion of your youth,
how as a bride you loved me
and followed me through the desert,
through a land not sown...
Awake, awake...
Free yourself from the chains on your neck...
"For my people have been taken away for nothing,
and those who rule them mock,
All day long my name is constantly blasphemed.
Therefore my people will know my name;
therefore in that day they will know
that it is I who foretold it.
Yes, it is I."

Remember the devotion of your youth.
Too many of us have fallen asleep.
It's time that we wake up to the truth.
Know the Name.
I don't want God telling me "I told you so."


*Jer. 1:2 ; Isa. 52:1, 2, 5-6

Complexity

Our lives are each individually so complex. We have moments that spring other moments into action and people that add an extra thread into our tightly woven life. It's when you sit and examine the details of your life that you realize there was no way I could have put any of these things into motion.
I don't know how many times I have tried to control the things that happened in my life. I have went out of my way to manipulate opportunities only to see, now how much energy I wasted on something I had no grasp on to begin with. We plan out our lives step by step only to find yourself taking a turn that wasn't on the map you drew out in the beginning. If we draw out our own map in life and stick to it then there is no complexity to existing. What makes a painting complex is the thousands of random colors and brush strokes that make up a extremely large masterpiece. The finished product can only be seen by taking a step back and having each piece fall into it's perfect place. Only when you take that step back, away from the canvas, does the picture come together.
It really does amaze me how complex our lives are and we never had to pick up a brush. We just needed to take a step back and let each stroke fall into it's rightful place. It is finished. So there is no need to try to perfect the Perfecter.

Home

It was settling driving alone back to my new/old home in the suburbs of Alabaster. I blasted "Coming Home" on my ipod in my car as I drove. If my Dad was in the car while I did that he would have just glared at me in joking disapproval, so I waited until he was safely in his hotel room. It is funny being back here, I don't know how many times I asked myself "what am I doing here?" But I quickly dismissed those thoughts and accepted the fact this was the only place I felt at home. This was my chance of just having a place to really call my own, a place where I had a fresh start. A life that is not disfigured by my ever haunting past.
I honestly don't know what's next in the storybook of my life and I don't care to try to figure it out. At this moment I'm just glad I'm here. God thank you that you have given me simply that. A Home.

Promised

It took me a long time to figure out the difference in being given something and having a promise. You have probably "pinky swore" a few times in your life or even given your "word" to someone. But really we have never had the capability of holding and fulfilling a true promise.
A human being has no grounds for promises. A person is fallible and can never make anything a sure thing. What we have in us is not consistent. A Mom cannot tell her son that she will always be there for him whenever he gets scared, because the truth of the matter is she won't always be there to protect him. A ten year old girl cannot promise that she will take good care of her new pet dog because we all understand she will forget to feed him every once in a while. What we have as humans is not a promise we can keep but only something we can give one moment at a time. A gift is given but it never provides you your purpose just a way to get there.
A promise is something beyond our limits. God is Promise, never changing and always sure. Sense the beginning we were never given anything by God, we were promised it. He didn't give us life and life more abundantly, He promised it. God never gave us healing, He promised it. Jesus never gave His life for us, He promised it. A Promise is always the direction your going, a gift helps you along the way.
We cannot offer what we never obtained to begin with. That's why God is God and we are man.  Hold onto the Promise, and give what you have in this moment.

Ten Thousand Lies

Ten thousand lies
Can misdirect thousands of thoughts
Thousands of misdirected thought
Can lead to a hundred of other directions
A hundred of other directions
Point to a ton of unopened doors
A ton of unopened doors
Sparks some curiosity
Some curiosity
Opens one door
And that one door
Opens to Ten thousand lies

I Can Still Hear My Heartbeat

I'm sitting here in the somewhat rare silence of my apartment. I close my eyes and the memories and chaos of the past seven months flood my mind. I have a lot to be angry about, and so many reasons to feel like a failure. But after it was all said and done, I sit in this rare silent moment, and I can still hear my heartbeat.
I question the motives and directions of those people that were supposed to be my leaders, but I intensely question my own. I have told a numerous amount of people that I don't think I was supposed to even be here, and I can almost agree with that. I have a lot of new bruises from people that were supposed to be "Christians", and I have some old wounds that were reopened. Maybe I have some new hurts that I could have avoided, but the fact that I'm alive means I'm going to get hurt every once and a while. Most importantly there are things that I have gained from this experience that I will never want to loose, and I believe it's why I was here.
Firstly my Dad, I got to pick up the years that were lost. I don't think I will fully understand the pain he must have gone through, caused by a crewel ex wife and the loss of his kids. It hurts my heart to know that he was damaged by it and still is. But even more so now I understand that his love was always there and is excited he can finally be the Dad he missed out being.
Next my closest friends, the people that really were with me through it all. When I left five years ago they were the only friends I cared about enough to hold on to. Being back for these few months made me realized how much I loved them and how much of the important parts of our young lives we shared together. It makes me tear up when I think of leaving them and not being able to be there when their children are born, or being parents together, or crazy old ladies in rocking chairs. I will miss them dearly.
Lastly, the people that cared about me as a kid when they didn't have to. You took me in, you let me be apart of your family, and you helped me to see that God cared. Without you I would not be where I am today.
I'm glad I came back. I'm glad I came back to love on the people I wasn't able to love on in a long time. I learned what only could have been taught in this atmosphere and God showed me some things I needed to see. No matter the noise and distractions of yesterday I am thankful for the silence of today. Because today I can see what really mattered, and today I can go back home knowing it was all worth it. Today, I recognize there is pain in life but I can still hear my heartbeat.

-Dedicated to my close friends and family in Seattle

Future Existence.

Who does man think that we are to overcome the definition of existence?
I just watched a documentary on the evolution of man and mechanics, rather the merging of man and mechanics. Transcendent Man is about the the thoughts, ideas, and predictions of the inventor Ray Kurzweil. This man has devoted his life to improving the existence of man kind, inventing reading machines for the blind, prosthetics that are plugged into your neurological system for the lame, the list goes on and on.
The claim that struck me the most was the idea that because of the technology that we have created thus far we, as humans, will be able to advance technology enough to overcome health issues. We will be able to run longer, hold our breath longer, live longer. We will be able to advance our human bodies to the degree of being able to plug ourselves into the intranet to obtain an infonaut amount of information. He even went as far as to claim that we will be able to bring the exact likeness of our dead ones from the grave or anyone and replicate them enough to be as actual human beings. And the most scary thing of all of those claims is that we have the technology to do it.
Have we put our trust in an intelligence that we have created? Have we gone as far as claiming we could be like a god?
Now more than ever I am convinced we are very much living in the last days. God will not be tampered with. And we are diving head first into an idea that will ultimately destroy us, and not in the least bit will it improve our existence.

Weak Minded

There are many controversial things that surround our culture. The mere fact that our culture is the combination of many other cultures and religions causes us to question almost anything. We also tend to push in culture as things that we are supposed to do by laws of religion.

 Let me give a few examples: At Christmas time we put up a tree, decorate it and give presents to each other, all to celebrate the birth of our Lord... Where in the world does a pretty tree fit into that? (rumor has it that that tradition is a pagan one) Another example: Before every meal we pray to bless the food. Not gonna lie, it is a good thing to do, but I'm pretty sure that if we don't pray before we eat we will not die from food poisoning or something horrendous. The list could go on and on.

But one thing that does get on my nerves, slightly, and I think Paul said it the best "Knowledge puffs up but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God." -1 Cor. 8:1-3.

There are a few things stated there that we all tend to forget. We might be on the path to Christ but we sure are not always right. Each of us have ideas of "the right thing" in our own mind that we apply diligently to our lives. When it becomes a danger is when you have decided that your "right thing" is the only "right way".

Let me pull up a subject that is of some debate between many denominations within Christianity. Alcohol. Now I am going to make a statement before anyone has time to judge. God brings to light, as individuals, what has come between you and Him. For every person God brings to light different things at different times depending on where you are with Him. If Jesus told you no on any matter, you should probably obey. If something was never brought to you as a conviction then thats between you and God.

 Anyway, there are many Christians that have there different stands on the issue of drinking. Some say that it is a big no no, and others believe some is okay. My point here is not on who is right and who is wrong. My point is simply, is your knowledge so "puffed up" that you cannot except the person that does not believe what you believe? What is that other than division? People cuss, people drink, people don't pray before they eat... who cares? If only our ideas of "right and wrong" define us then we are no better, if not worse, than anyone in this world. 

"... the greatest of these is love."-Jesus. This is what should make us "Jesus lovers" the cut above... love and nothing else. Are we so weak minded to let anything else define us?

An Unlocked Room

"Where are you going?" Every word from his mouth was smug, as if it was all a joke.
"I'm not too sure." I looked around again, everything was such a blur. I remembered this room to look a lot different when I walked in it but now it seemed drastically different. Day by day things changed and molded, in the beginning it was inviting and exciting but now it seemed more and more like a cell.
"I don't want to be here anymore." This time I told him to his face, but all he gave back was a erie smile.
"Let me out." I insisted as I motioned to his keys. "What makes you think that this isn't where you belong?" He said smoothly.
I paused at his question, I had no answer. "You opened the door didn't you?" He said, "You wanted to open it." I looked around again, the walls had peeled away into cement and the furniture had lost it's grand appeal, leaving only a pile of wood and rotted cloth behind. I could fix it up, I thought, I could make something of it. I reached for an old lamp to switch on the light, but it flickered and went out. I tried the switch again but nothing happened.
I stopped and just stared at the lamp with my hand still seemingly glued to the switch, almost as if I had hoped it would just magically come on at any minute. I let go suddenly and ran over to the old couch in a panic trying to place the pieces back together that was obviously a hopeless project. As soon as I let go of the wood, it fell apart in an instant, turning out to be in a more horrible condition than when I started. I need help, I thought. That second the voice in the corner leaned back into his chair and just smirked at me as if I was doing a good job on my own.
I stood up slowly and just closed my eyes. "God..." I whispered. In that moment I realized that I was on my own and a sudden wave of emotion that I didn't belong there struck me in the face. I was wasting my time in a room meant for no one. I opened my eyes and swiveled around to face the door that not to long ago I dreamed of going through to enter into this very room. Now I so desperately wanted out to be where I belonged... in a place of peace.
I walked over to the door and this time touched the door knob. He stood up very fast and took a step toward me, "Where are you going?" he exclaimed.
I slowly turned the handle to the door that seemed to need no key, I turned my eyes to his and said "Somewhere."
Smiling I took my step into the unknown, and in that there... was freedom.

Common Man

I have searched this world for an acceptance I will never find.
I am haunted by the twisting and tearing of words others have labeled me as, or the declaration by others of who I will be.
No one will truly accept me for me.
Everyone has their own opinion.
Everyone thinks they know how I will turn out.
Everyone has a pre conceived notion of who I am because of words I use or an insecurity that came off strong.
Tell me who I am and you will be wrong.
Tell me where I am going and where I end up will be severally different.
You do not know who I am by your judgement.
My life has nothing to do with what you think.
My life has everything to do with what I think.
Where my foot falls is my decision.
Who I am was declared before you were in existence.
I was born for greatness.
You do not determine what my greatness is.
I will not live for you, you will never be satisfied.
I am tired of life being tinted by rejection.
I am exhausted of running after your approval and opinions.
I am Common Man, and I was born to be great.
I was born to be great but Common Man lives to tell me different.

The Beaten Path

She had been sitting in the same filthy spot for awhile. The same place she fell a day ago, and then just decided not to get up. When she hit, whatever it was, it hurt. As she fell to the ground there was nothing there to break her fall. She was all alone, in the dark and very confused.
Question after question raced through her mind like a thousand cars on the freeway, but she knew she could not tell where any of them were headed.
"I'm sick of walking," she decided.
Before she tripped she had been walking for a long time, it seemed like years.
Somewhere along the way it got very dark, like the sun decided to set, never to return again. No moon was out, not even a street lamp. It was so dark she could not tell the direction she was headed, or even where her foot would land next.
She told herself over and over again that she would figure it out. That she had it all under control and that, 'I was headed somewhere important'.
The problem was she was lost now, about the time the light disappeared so did the path.
"What am I doing?" she mumbled to herself.
"What are you doing?" said a strong voice, that burst from the darkness like a sudden gust of wind.
She didn't move, maybe it was in her head. Maybe there was no one really there. Her shame began to take over. 'If I don't move,' she thought, 'they might go away.'
"I can leave, but you won't find your way back if I do." they said gently,  a smile was in his voice.
'Way back?' her thoughts raced again, ' I was going somewhere.' Anger welled up inside of her like a boiling pot about to overflow.
"All purposes have a path, but you are sitting in unmarked territory." It was like he was in her head, every thought and emotion.
"I have been watching you, I was waiting for you to fall."
Her rage suddenly took over and she yelled "And you did nothing!?" she had had enough, "I have been walking around in the dark for days, and you said nothing... did nothing!"
"My light never grew dim," a tender grasp held on to her hand and slowly pulled it away from her eyes "you just decided to ignore it." His face was warm and kind. The expression He wore made her feel like she was His long lost friend that He had finally found. His eyes screamed.... Promise. "I am the way, the truth, and the light... where you were going was not where you were meant to go."
She tore her eyes off of Him and looked down at herself. Her tears of realization fell down her face and helped wash some of the dirt away from her bare cheeks.
"I'm sorry," she shook her head "I thought I knew what I was doing."
She pulled up her head to look Him in the eyes, thinking He would be disappointed, but His tears only told her how much He loved her.
A sudden smile overcame Him and He stood up offering a firm hand down to her. She slipped her hand into His and He pulled her up off of the place she fell. "Let's go back." He said.
In her mind, she very much agreed.

We Get In The Way

I am my worst Enemy.
Sometimes we let the cry of emptiness be louder than the voice you need to hear.
We all receive wounds but will never ask for a band-aid.
We take the map but ignore the directions.
We light our candle but get too fixated on our flame.
We let our needs control us.
We shine our armor but neglect to sharpen our sword.
We tell of our dreams and goals but we forget God's divine plan.
We love only if we are loved back.
If we don't identify the need it will become a stronghold.
I am my worst Enemy

Wrestling...

When I was a teenager me and my little brother loved to watch WWE. A show where these "huge greasy man beasts" would come out in tights and put on a performance of being a bad a**. They would then proceed to fight to see who was "king of the rock"... or who won the title. Every second of it was fake and pre-planned, and it was funny. All the drama was fake and stupid, the fighting part was intense, but in the end you knew it was all not real. The show in itself was all very shallow.
There is a similarity to the fake WWE guys and real wrestlers. They both train very hard to build up their strength. They train hard for the fight.
The difference between the two is very obvious. The fake wrestlers trained to put on a good show and are in control of everything until the very end, even the outcome.
The real wrestlers train as well as they can before hand, then once the match has started the outcome no longer is in their hands.
This is the difference between control and faith.
When the fight is not in our control anymore life becomes a little more real... a little more true.
The outcome of our life was never in our own hands. Until we decided to let go of it.

Ancient Paths

You ever stare at a sheet of paper and have no idea what to even start to write?
You ever turn on your Ipod wanting to just listen to music but you don't even know what you feel like listening too?
You ever get in your car and just drive with no place to go to?
Or sit with God for a minute because you need Him and you know it, but no words can even come out?
You ever been at a crossroad and have not known which way to turn?
Being in that moment, with no direction, with no way, no momentum... for a second we are lost.
For a moment your will is not yours anymore. For a moment we are thrown out of whack. We are forced to stop and ask for direction.
If we never loose our way then there is no reason to turn to God for His? But God created the way, didn't He? He is the way.
We have it all figured out, we know exactly where we are going until we hit a crossroad. Then we are humbled once again. Reality hits us. We need Him.
Truth is I don't know, truth is I don't know what the next step is, truth is... I need direction. And we all need it. We need Him. Funny how we still have the moments where we think we don't. If we didn't need Him, we would have never been lost.

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." -Jer. 6:16

In Suffering...

Today I made myself sit.        Just sit.
I just needed to hear God.

There are so many questions. So many questions I don't have the answer to... and probably wont. I'm tired. I'm not strong. I deal with some things totally wrong.
I am broken. I have missing pieces. And I have longings for things that seem will never come.
But am I missing it?

I had a pretty rude awakening a week ago... and it is making me stare that question deep in it's eyes.
Do I let my life define me OR do I define it?
 I think on some of my past decisions and wonder if I made that decision or did I let life make it for me? Was I running from something? Was I hiding from something?
As soon as we refuse to feel, or deal with something we refuse the strength of God. We cannot run 10 miles without first feeling the pain of one mile. (Jer. 12:5) But scars and all, do we take what we have and LIVE?
Being numb to pain and being strong are two very different things. Refusing to deal with hurts and having strength are nowhere near the same.
Suffering produces perseverance... (Rom. 5:3-5)

Today I made myself sit.     Just sit.
I just needed to hear God....
and He said it was okay to suffer. So I wept...

In Thunder

Ever sense I can remember, I have always loved storms. Thunder and lightning.
That is one thing I can remember me and my Dad doing when there was a storm off in the distance. We would stand out on the front porch or somewhere in the yard and count the seconds between the flash and the clap of thunder. I was never scared of how close it seemed to be getting, but I had an itch to chase after it when it started to disappear over the tree line. There was a connection with my Dad in those times that I will always remember.
About 3 years ago I was at a summer camp in Florida. It was a rough summer for one reason or another and one particular night I had lots of questions running through my mind. I was confused about relationships, myself, my future and if God was all He was cracked up to be. That night there was a tropical storm and it was pouring rain. I snuck out into the night and just sat overlooking the lake and watched the sky light up time and again. My tears fell down my face and mixed with the rain. I could not feel God near me and I wondered where He was. "Why am I here God? What am I doing?" Sometimes you get to a point where you wonder if it He is real. You wonder if life is just dragging you along with no intention in mind. You get to a spot where you forget where He brought you from, you forget how much He has shown you. And as loud as the thunder He said "I AM". Those simple words were like a wave of emotion and understanding. Soft but powerful, the words I AM said I wrote your path. I AM said I destined you for greatness. I AM said I am more than you can fathom. I AM made me feel a little like Job. There was a connection with my Dad that night that I will always remember. And after that night I don't think I could ever just let it disappear over the tree line.

To the children He is the Lamb. To the maturing He is the Lion. To the fully mature He is both Lion and the Lamb.

Both Hands

I remember when I started following Jesus. Man was I a little over the top.
I remember yelling at people cause they were loud during prayer....
I remember saying that Good Charlotte was the devil...
I was just ridiculous.
Then I went the other direction when issues started popping up.
I smoked weed a lot...
I drank a little bit excessively... all the time.
I had no balance in my life.
And it is still a struggle.
Our walk through life is mostly about finding the right balance. A lot is too much and barley is not enough. And I'm not necessarily talking about the "if your too heavenly minded that your no earthly good" quote. I'm talking about things we deal with in life.
We are quick to judge those that do things that we are so against, but we don't even take a second to look into their heart.
"Many have stayed in the place where they could still reach the lost and they were wounded greatly for it. For some of us it's because of them that we are saved. These are the fearless ones that will not retreat from the enemy." -Last Battle
But for some of us we are too concerned where WE are headed with Christ we forget about what He never forgot about.
Us.
Keep your eyes on Him and both hands out to the world.

He Cries

I used to have a hard time crying. Now I cry a good bit just not in front of anyone.
In our society, especially western society, it's not okay to cry. It's no wonder why everyone is so angry and defensive these days.
You also don't hear very much about God crying. I guess it's easier to scare people into repentance by having people assume God is angry and mean. But that does nothing but increase the amount of people that  want nothing to do with God.
We were created in God's image, we cry because He does. I heard somewhere that the reason why water comes out of our eyes when we reach that state of emotion is because our bodies don't know how to handle  the emotion so it weeps. God gets into an emotional wreck over us.
It comforts me to know He cries. Not only does He cry, but He cries for us.
When we cry He cries with us.
It helps me feel closer to a God that we think is so distant.
Just because He cries.

Silence

Sometimes God can be very silent... and it seems like He is silent in the times you feel you need to hear from Him the most.
He is a smart God... so wise. It's hard to trust Him when He is so quite but sometimes in that silence He will let you figure Him out for yourself.
We are told of who God is by others, we are told who He is by what we read, sometimes God even reveals Himself to us.
But when He is quite and there is no one around, thats when we need to grasp Him.
In the silence He speaks so loud.
I think it's at that moment we just need to stop dipping our finger in the cup, we need to stop starring at the cup, and we need to drink from His cup. When we drink of the cup that is when we realize how refreshing it is and how thirsty we are.
We stop asking for proof of who God is and we finally experience who God is... in the Silence, He speaks very loud.

Simon

So I was watching the Passion of the Christ the other day. I know we all remember that movie when it came out. We all went to see it, cried a little bit, then went on our merry way.
Thats what I did anyway. I remember right after seeing it being all weird and over spiritual and wanting to do something huge for Christ. But not to long after I returned to my usual teenage self.
Well the other day when it showed up in my mailbox from Netflixs, I watched it again. I cried a little bit, but something this time caught my attention that I didn't really give much thought before. Every time I read one of the Gospels or heard the story talked about, my mind kind of skipped over it.
Simon, the guy traveling from Cyrene.
A man helped Jesus carry the cross.
Now I have always heard we need to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, I have even seen a few radicals that carry wooden crosses with wheels wherever they go. But I think there is a little bit more to it.
Jesus carried and was crucified on that cross for us, Simon helped carry that cross for Him.
What are we carrying our crosses daily for? What are we living this thing we call Christianity for? So that WE might have OUR promise WE were promised? Or are we carrying our crosses for something bigger than that, something deeper. Jesus' mission was to save us, humanity, the world. A man helped Jesus carry that cross so that it could be finished. I don't think Simon did it for himself.
Are we doing this for us, or is it so He can save the world?

Faulted Growth

I never want to be the person I once was...
If that means five years ago or five minutes ago, I don't ever want to stay the same.
I am a person that has issues, there are some things I suck at, and there are some personality quirks I have that are not "socially acceptable". And I know it.
There are some things about me I have struggled to overcome sense I can remember. And there are some new faults I have found on my way through life. I am one messed up person.
I am scared about the future. I am frustrated with now. And I don't have the slightest clue about a thing.
But that is where it stops being about how jacked up I am, and I start seeing how great He is.
I am now because HE IS. And I will be because He always WILL BE.
I'm a new creation through Him.
The thing that gets me though is the fact that although I'm full of faults and issues, He still is calling me.
Many are called but few are willing.
It's not easy. We want the end result of a big dream, we want what everyone will see.
What no one sees is what weighs us down, the responsibility of peoples lives, and what we do with that responsibility when only God is looking.
Have that weight plus the fact you have to deal with your own crap on your shoulders. No wonder why people let go so easily.
But even knowing all of that... will you still say yes?
His promise remains true, but will we?
He gave His life so we could live ours. Neither one of those were or are going to be easy.
But is it really about you?
2 Timothy 2:11-13

Climax

There is a quote I heard about a year or two ago that has always stuck in the back of my mind...
"A character is not an interesting character unless their story has a climatic problem that they somehow overcame."
Im not even sure if thats how the quote reads but you get the gist... I hope.
In other words we all have major issues and crap that we just deal with. But your story is not worth reading unless you overcame and rose above what threatened to take you down.
All the time it seems like the same story... "oh, she got drunk and ran off the road" or "he got caught dealing drugs and was put in jail"and on and on. Yea we remember those stories, but the stories that truly stick with us are the ones where the character came out on top.
We remember James Bond, kicking butt and always still alive at the end...
We remember Cinderella, trapped and escaping to live happily ever after with her prince...
There are tons more stories we all remember.
But is your story worth reading? ... Is it worth watching?
And when it's all over is it worth remembering?

Listen...

I remember when I was about 13 or 14 years old I had attended a church summer camp. You know, it seems to be the same story that you hear about a lot of the church going folk. They first experienced God at a summer camp. But that was truly when I came to understand that God was not just some distant being. He had shown up and He was real.
It was around that time that I learned to listen...
Before that, in the back of my mind I always knew there was a God... or something. "Saved" or not, I don't think I could have made it through too many days of my childhood without Him. He was always there, I see it more now as I grow older but it was just hard to recognize or understand at that time.
There was one specific night after that summer camp, when I was lying in my bed late at night, that I had felt something so deep in my heart. I cried and begged God for this one thing that I so desperately craved in my life.
Wisdom.
I remember earlier nights laying in bed bawling my eyes out because I had learned at a young age that I was worthless.
I remember sitting on a cold porch in the middle of December almost knowing I would always be nothing.
I thought life had nothing more for me than what it had already given me.
But there was a reason God put the burden for wisdom on my heart that late night after camp.
Wisdom told me truth and helped me to hold to a promise that would never be broken.
I am what God has destined me to be and no man can stand against what God has said.
Wisdom says the same for you... but are we listening?

Just breathe...

"Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life"
I have a hard time finding the right balance with letting people in. I have had my times where I was closed off and didn't trust a soul. Other times I let my emotions run and I let some in a little too easy.
How do you be guarded enough to protect your heart without keeping everyone at a distance?
How do you trust without having a piece of you ripped from your fingers?
Im not too sure if there is anyone who has mastered this art. Everyone feels pain, and everyone has hurt another.... and we all will again.
"Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
"... the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
God is our ultimate source of life.
He never said close it off, just don't let anyone take Him from you.
We open our heart to give people what God has given us... life, a wellspring of it. We guard our heart by not letting anyone take Him from you.
God never said that people wouldn't try.

Dear David,

I like David... you know, the guy from the Bible? This guy killed a giant, ruled a nation, and his family line would one day birth Jesus Himself. But I think the most that I really connect with him as a person, is that he was a man that struggled and suffered a lot.
Everyone thinks of him as this great king or this huge hero... which I think he really was. He was great in many ways. God even called him "A man after His own heart". But I don't believe God called him that because he ruled or killed an extremely large guy... I think it was because He knew the feeling of suffering.
David was told a promise at a young age, an idea that I'm sure he struggled with constantly. From the time that promise was declared to the time it actually came to pass, David was hunted, hated, and abandoned.
I love Psalms for the fact that it was basically the journals of David. Countless hours he spent weeping and Im sure wondering if this promise would ever really happen. Countless times longing for connection with those he loved but he knew it was not wanted by them. Constantly struggling with if God was torturing him or not.
This man felt in its deepest sense, but he never stopped. He pursued the only thing he knew was true. The one thing he cried out to and never denied existence of. He knew God was there and He cared.
David felt deeply and was "a man after God's own heart" because he was heavily burdened by life. Wanting, waiting and craving God and the promise that God had breathed into his life.
I wonder if God feels the same way about us.
He is waiting to be our King... but until then He suffers.
This is a God that has felt in it's deepest sense.
David understood a little of what God did.... suffering.

A Sunday Morning

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind... sitting with a cup of overly sugared coffee and my tattered lil' red Bible, I ponder my reactions to situations that have sprung up on me. There are a lot of things I miss, and a lot of things I wish could be but there have been a lot that has changed. Im no one really important, but at times I feel like I have gone through a whole lot to be where I am. And I have done it on my own.
There is partial truth to that statement.... I have made the decisions on my own, yes, but I was never on my own.
Life gives you a whole bunch of opposition, fear, and downright pain. But God gives you Himself. Its crazy how much you get from just knowing that.
I remember when I was first trying to figure out how to deal with past issues and feelings in life that I had no idea how to express. That period in life I did a ridiculous amount of yelling... mostly at God, everyone else I just rudely glared at. But that was my first big lightbulb in this Jesus thing... He was there. He was listening... and it didn't matter if I was yelling, crying, or cussing up a storm. I had someone that heard me, felt my pain, understood those tears and helped me to stand and keep moving. That's what He gave Himself for. You... and everything about you.
Its been some time that God helped me to first understand that truth and grow a bit more so I was not so emotionally unstable. But even now I have to remind myself again. Even when we feel alone in our choices and our circumstances, He hears our cry, He wipes our tears, and He helps us to stand.
Thats what He gave Himself for.