I Can Still Hear My Heartbeat

I'm sitting here in the somewhat rare silence of my apartment. I close my eyes and the memories and chaos of the past seven months flood my mind. I have a lot to be angry about, and so many reasons to feel like a failure. But after it was all said and done, I sit in this rare silent moment, and I can still hear my heartbeat.
I question the motives and directions of those people that were supposed to be my leaders, but I intensely question my own. I have told a numerous amount of people that I don't think I was supposed to even be here, and I can almost agree with that. I have a lot of new bruises from people that were supposed to be "Christians", and I have some old wounds that were reopened. Maybe I have some new hurts that I could have avoided, but the fact that I'm alive means I'm going to get hurt every once and a while. Most importantly there are things that I have gained from this experience that I will never want to loose, and I believe it's why I was here.
Firstly my Dad, I got to pick up the years that were lost. I don't think I will fully understand the pain he must have gone through, caused by a crewel ex wife and the loss of his kids. It hurts my heart to know that he was damaged by it and still is. But even more so now I understand that his love was always there and is excited he can finally be the Dad he missed out being.
Next my closest friends, the people that really were with me through it all. When I left five years ago they were the only friends I cared about enough to hold on to. Being back for these few months made me realized how much I loved them and how much of the important parts of our young lives we shared together. It makes me tear up when I think of leaving them and not being able to be there when their children are born, or being parents together, or crazy old ladies in rocking chairs. I will miss them dearly.
Lastly, the people that cared about me as a kid when they didn't have to. You took me in, you let me be apart of your family, and you helped me to see that God cared. Without you I would not be where I am today.
I'm glad I came back. I'm glad I came back to love on the people I wasn't able to love on in a long time. I learned what only could have been taught in this atmosphere and God showed me some things I needed to see. No matter the noise and distractions of yesterday I am thankful for the silence of today. Because today I can see what really mattered, and today I can go back home knowing it was all worth it. Today, I recognize there is pain in life but I can still hear my heartbeat.

-Dedicated to my close friends and family in Seattle