Darkness

Remember the voices that said you could never,
Remember the thoughts that said you were made for nothing better.
I remember the places where I once stayed,
I recall the moments where I would only fade.
I lived in the darkness of my own,
I walked in shadows, in low places I would roam.
I thought I was secure in the knowledge that I had,
there was nothing for me left to grab.
Lies tried to steal the little hope I held to,
I struggled, I pleaded, I cried out to you.
You are a God that remembers our sufferings,
and because we recalled our promised dreams,
you stood before our adversaries,
and proclaimed life and mine you carried.
Whoa to you that said they could never,
I am God, I created the stars and put you together.
I made you for more than what you believe,
because you turned away I will give them the keys.
Beware to those that make my little ones stumble,
by your own words you will crumble.
To those that once were proclaimed to be nothing of importance,
I will open to you the mysteries of my presence.
I am God where light can only be,
choose darkness and only the darkness you will see.

Pages

The thin sheet of paper was smooth between my fingers. It would have been all too easy to rip the pages, previous to this one, completely out of the book. Lately, I have been finding myself looking back at what I came out of, a look at the fine print and hidden details of my existence. I am thankful for so much but at the same time I wish some things were just easier. I have been through struggles that no one should have to ever experience, but I have been brought to places that fill my heart with a grateful and peace filled joy. Ripping those pages out would give no reason to the triumph of God.
Christ loved us in the bible, but His voice is loudest in present day. God once was murdered for me, yes. God suffered so that I could have the choice to live, yes. What speaks volumes to everyone is this: I have struggled, I have hurt, I have been overwhelmed with sorrow, confusion, and without understanding. I was left, I was unwanted, I have been hated by those I loved, and mistreated by the ones that should have cared. I was ignorant, I was bruised, and badly wounded. I was a lot of things... but those pages of my life show God in a way that this generation can touch, see, and understand. I once was... but now... My life shows a God that loves, that understands, that was always there, and changed everything. Those chapters that begin my life story all the way up until now, is what God looks like. A God that saves, a God that brings life to the dead places inside of us. A God that changes the story.
Looking back on all that was written in my life, thinking about taking out the bad and keeping the good, wouldn't tell you a story that matters. What matters is what was, and what brought you to now.

We all have a story, tell me why those pages in your life need to be left, need to be seen, and needs to tell a tale that will be remembered.

Wrestle

Questions.... answers, choices.... decisions, unbelief.... faith.

In every chapter of our lives we wrestle. We wrestle with thoughts, our emotions, different ideas and concepts of what we had believed we had always known the answer to. With every page to my life story there is this new mistrust, or questioning, or even doubt that we all have of God. Somewhere in our story we were misguided by the darkness of who God really was. Like Eve, we ponder on the things that God once told us, and because it never was played out in front of us as true we wonder if it ever really was.
Our hearts deceive us, but God speaks to the soul. The Word is saturated with truth, it is the book filled with the answers. The struggle is never with our own insecurities but with our failure to believe that God simply is what He alway has been. "I am the way, the truth and the life..." He said, and at some point in my life I will struggle with, if not one, every one of those concepts. Lies will always be fed to us, confusion will throw us for a loop, and doubt will play on the repeat. Your foundation will be knowing God. No matter your doubt or question God is still what He always was... Good. How well do you believe that? He is the shepherd that gives His life for His sheep.

In the midst of chaos, God is good. In the midst of not knowing, God is good. In the midst of fear, God is good. When all that is over, God was always good.

The Fight

Together we stand,
Individually we are attacked.

We reached the mouth of the valley as the sun cleared the cliffs above. I could hear them coming... I could feel Chaos, just around the bend of the rocks. "I'm not prepared," was all I could think of, fearing the possibilities of the very near future. Another climax of my life was coming to it's peak and I was not prepared to fight this battle.
The first figures of the enemy rounded the corner, followed by a swarm of creatures that spread themselves throughout the valley filling the crevasses like a mold. I pushed forward to strike the first figure that I saw and with moves like an immortal being it swung itself around, cutting me where I was vulnerable. Instantly Terror struck my soul... I was alone and unprotected.
Every swing and slash that I threw did not affect this creature but every attack it made, made contact to the places left open. Seeing the patterns of its movements I learned how to strike, and with one swift movement I finished it. But Terror had still left its mark.
Quickly I moved ahead and was faced with another figure. Blocking it's first attack followed by a second. On it's third attack it found my weakness and struck me where Terror had first struck. With that Panic had set in. I collapsed to the ground with every ounce of energy drained from me. My eyes gazed from the creature above me to the thousands of sandaled feet fightng beside me. In my last attempts to stay alive I cried out to those that were always by my side. And in an instant they all drew their arrows, responding to the command for help. The figure immediately dropped its weapon and stepped back as my body gave in to it's exhaustion and my vision faded to black.
As my mind wandered from dream to reality a familiar voice repeated one word... "Rest."

Lord, let me rest in you. Prepare me. Heal me, and let your will be done.
One day I will see that figure of Panic again, and then I will see it no more.

Seek First...

Seek first the Kingdom of God and all else will be added to you...

From an early age I realized that I was the only person that truly new what I wanted most in life. I also knew I was the only one that could get it. It was hard for me to lay those delicate things into someone else's hands, for fear that they would be taken away. I struggled and reached after so many things that I knew that I wanted, but because I was ignorant of the truth they only hurt me further.
Oh the things that we run after because we have a hole in our hearts, and it constantly reminds us that we are not complete. We have a longing for our dreams or passions but the effort we put towards them only puts us further behind. MY efforts are efforts based off of emotions and longings, but there is someone who's efforts are out of the purest love and intentions. My efforts can only go so far, but when I lay those things down, an all knowing God can pick them up and put things into motion.
I'm 24 and I now I have realized that I am not the only one that has my best intentions in mind. Not only does He have my best intentions in mind but He can carry it further than I ever could have.
"Wait on Me." He said. "I will give you the desires of your heart."
So here I am, just past midnight. All I can do God is wait on You. I will seek You. I will seek Your Kingdom... trusting all else will be added in Your own good time.

Dream

Why have we fell silent? Why have we blended ourselves into this cocktail of unsatisfied needs and constant lies.
I am an individual. I have a dream.
I will not look like a "christian" and I will not do as the world does.
Why have we given up? Was it too hard?
Did God not give you the strength to overcome?
Or did we waist our strength in fighting Him?

I will not let anyone render me different because I choose life.
Don't tell me I am too pure when I have seen and lived scorned, beaten, and ashamed.
I will not live "easy". I will fight. And I will fight for more than myself.

I will fight for an unborn dream.
I will cry out for those that once knew Him, and I will mourn for those that have not come to understand.
Why have we become dried bones?
 Let us not forget, that we were once alive.
 Let us not forget we are at war, and when it is all over we will stand alone before Him.

I have been silent when I was meant to proclaim.
There have been times when I have faltered. But I will hold on to His promise.
I will not let it be pulled from my grasp to be torn apart by this world.
We all have been given the world, yet the world takes from us.
I will hold true. I will not bow down.

I will be. And I will birth what God has promised.
Hold on to what God has put inside of you!
You can be sure that it is more than just a dream.

Grey Areas

It's been a while sense I have written anything. Some days I sit in front of my computer and words pour onto the screen, but nothing seems to come out how it should be read. Other times I want to write out so much but nothing comes into words. How do I express a lifetime full of experience and thought, how do I write a story that has not ended? We are all full of impressions and feelings. These are the exact things that shift our answers to life questions and it changes our direction between what is right and what is wrong.
...What is right?...What is wrong? There is so much grey area... and I have found myself running into them constantly. As constant as day and night.

I am not the answer to loneliness, for now.
I cannot make you feel good about who you are, but I will tell that your great.
I don't know if I have let "it" (my doubts of fears) go yet or not, but I want to.
I don't know how to pray, so I will just cry for you.
I don't know if I should go, but I will with an underlying hope.
Sometimes I don't hear God too, and I still long to hear His voice.
I have ignored God before, when I should have listened.
You are not my solution to my issues, but be patient while I work on them.

I want to capture God, but He will not be caged. There is so much I can't understand, I try to find out the answer but, like God, there will always be mystery to it. We were not meant to know how to and why, if we knew it all there would be no God. All I can hope for is that You Father will lead me to know where to go.... No, you are always leading. What I need to do, is follow.

Words

If words held more meaning I could tell you, I could really tell you that God was good.

I notice the world and all it holds. Death, disease, and pains of every kind plague our thoughts and keep us from our truest potentials. I have spent hours writhing in emotional pains over issues in my own life as well as intense prayers for others. I don't have any idea how to stop the hurt from coming while at the same time work through what is. I want to fly... I want freedom, I want to finally be able to breathe the purest of intentions. I want Him and all of Him, in me and surrounding all of my life.
But for right now thats not the way that it is. Reality is that darkness is here, and we are looking for those cracks of life. The cracks in the darkness where we can temporarily see hope. Those small moments help us to see in the darkness for miles around. "I'm at work," He says.
 I can't help but smile, I can't help but laugh, I can't help but feel freer. Something is coming and He is at work.

If words held more meaning I could tell you, I could tell you that God is Good... He will show you, then you won't have to say a thing.

Fall

I close my eyes for only a second.  Waves of emotion and thought hit me, but it feels like more time went by than it takes a sunrise to set.
When darkness fills my eyelids I'm suddenly taken to a different place. I feel the cold crumbling rock pressed against my palms and cheek.
I know this wall, I built it, and I tend to it's every need.
I think back at all of the times it was in my way, every time I hit it out of frustration, and every time I built it back up to hide under it's dark shadow. This wall was apart of the cage I built for myself, and the box others help put me in. This wall keeps me...
It has kept me from finding joy.
It has kept me from the hurts of life.
It has kept me from really living.
It has kept me from giving of myself.
It has kept me from reaching...
My cheek starts to become numb and I tear away out of frustration. Panic sets in knowing that I have missed so much of the good God had for me, and knowing that it is now that I have to face this monstrosity. It was MY protection, and it held me back. It was MY peace and it caused me to feel trapped. I made sure it stayed standing.
It was all mine... but I am not my own.
Somehow I had made it to the ground, but I pull myself up and turn to face this hard place. A tear streams down my face and I take a determined breath.

I slowly open my eyes to the real world as if I was seeing light for the first time.
"It's time to let go, " I tell myself.
Freedom comes from simply letting the wall... fall.

Breath Life In.

Sometimes you forget to just breath life in.

Today was a pretty normal day ...  lots to do, many things to pay attention to, and a bunch of things to think about. Nothing in particular tugged my mind to stop for a moment or interrupt my average train of thought. Nothing struck me as out of the ordinary or unusual. Until I stopped for a few moments to pay attention to what I tend to take advantage of, but what is really changing my life.
I forget to breath life in.

Have you ever had that slight urge to take an extra breath? One that you almost do on purpose. All your other inhalings throughout the day go unnoticed and are expected. But when you get a second, you take in a breath that is deeper more deliberate than all the others. And after you finally fill your lungs in that short second, you realize how your body had almost screamed for it all along. A rejuvenating intake, and with that you remember the importance of the one thing you took for granted all day long.
Sometimes we do that to life.

The small jesters of kindness that gave you the reason for wanting to be a better person.
The celebration of completing something that was worked so hard for, and gave you confidence in who you have become.
The beginnings of a new life and the feeling of starting what you were designed to be.
The voices and smiles of the people you care most about and truly care about you.
The simple thought of "I can make it too" and seeing how far you have come.

It's refreshing to take it all in for a second, and feel life's air fill your empty lungs. You remember in that moment how much you needed that one deliberate breath, and it makes all the other unnoticed moments worthwhile. It gives you life. To take it all in in that one small moment. Fill your heart with the good things of life. Don't let what gives you breath go unnoticed.

Breath life in.